Nobody ever told me.......

Nobody ever told me how hard it would be to be a mother.

Nobody ever told me that I wouldn't have time to put on makeup in the morning.

Or that I would have my hair in a messy top knot for several years.

Nobody ever told me there would come a time that I would lose my patience with my precious baby and feel so guilty for raising my voice at him.

Nobody ever warned me that I would feel guilty every day for dropping him off at daycare so that my husband and I could provide for him.

Or that I would probably have to stop at Target on the way to work for a new shirt because I didn't notice the snot all over mine.

Or that I would need insane amounts of caffeine to keep from falling asleep at my desk after being up all night with the baby.

Or that the only time you really have to get anything done is after your child is asleep, which is also the time that every last ounce of energy has been drained from your body.

Or that you shouldn't even bother cleaning anything until they are in bed.

Nobody ever told me that toddlers are pretty much the same as inebriated adults but, thankfully, way cuter.

Nobody ever told me that after a while, you probably won't recognize yourself in the mirror because it's been so long since you have spent time on you.

Nobody ever told me that taking a trip alone to the grocery store would feel like a vacation.

Or that on this same trip to the store, you would miss your little person.

Nobody ever told me that everything I said about being a mom would go out the window as soon as my baby arrived.

Or that I would have a better body while I was pregnant than after I gave birth.

Nobody ever told me what a crazy, hard, beautiful adventure being a parent is....and I wouldn't have it any other way.

So here is to sleepless nights, toddler kisses, an extra cup of coffee, top knots and hoping that my little dude always feels loved.

If I had started then, where would I be now?

Looking back through my sporadic posts, I realize how many times (documented and undocumented) I have planned to live a healthy lifestyle only to fall off the wagon after a week or so. I have to say that it's a real bummer to think about how healthy I could be now had I followed through and kept all of my promises to myself. I am so excited (and very lucky) because I have been given an opportunity that I know only comes once in a lifetime.  I am participating in a research study and part of the study is to complete the State of Slim program. The program is a 16 week course and I attend a one hour class each week and weigh in. There are three phases and the first is the toughest and then the next two get progressively easier. I am required to work out 6 days a week at intervals that increase weekly. I want this to be the last time I write one of these "starting over" posts. I don't want to be doing this again in three years. To be quite frank, I don't know that my body will let me live this way for much longer. So, here we go!!

I will keep y'all posted as things progress. Here's to moving onward and upward! Remember to "choose your hard!"

Is This What Rock Bottom Feels Like?

When I lost 40 pounds seven years ago, I always said to myself, “There is no way I’m ever gaining this weight back.” I had changed my lifestyle and,  as far as I was concerned, there was nothing that would get in the way of keeping the weight off. Well, life got in the way. I have gained back the 40 pounds I worked so hard to lose as well as an additional 36 pounds. Never have I felt so self-conscious, so aware of who was looking at me and so worried that everyone was talking about me. I always assume that if anyone is looking at me, it’s because of my size. 

Unfortunately, gaining back all of that weight isn't even the worst of it. I was also recently diagnosed with sleep apnea and have to sleep with an adapter for oxygen in addition to my CPAP machine. I am also pre-diabetic. I also have a hernia above my belly button, which is worse because of my weight. I also sweat when walking up or down the stairs and am always short of breath. I am keeping myself prisoner in this body that is +-100 pounds overweight. I am constantly looking for different diet books, fitness magazines, fitness journals, fitness/diet plans that may motivate me more than the last. I have tried and tried to lose weight, everything from Weight Watchers to personal trainers, to DietBet. All of these with no luck. I currently work out with a personal trainer who is AMAZING. She is so motivating and never makes me feel ashamed of my weight or how I've let myself go. 

Why have I let myself go? I think things got worse after I gave birth to my son. I feel guilty for being a working mother and I want to spend every waking second with my sweet boy. 

My laundry list of medical issues should be reason that I stop eating garbage food once and for all. That is actually the reason that I decided to write this post. It is time for me to take accountability for my actions. I need to give my body the fuel it deserves so I can be free of all of this excess weight. I have decided to start IIFYM (If It Fits Your Macros) tomorrow and I want to tell everyone so that I am held accountable. I remember how incredible I felt when I weighed 198 pounds, which is still higher than my goal weight but the healthiest I have been in my adult life. I am currently weighing in at 278 pounds, which is only 10 pounds less than my heaviest when I was NINE MONTHS PREGNANT with my little guy. It's terrifying to see that number on the scale. It's SO close to 300 pounds. It's time for changes. Big, big changes.

Not only do I want to do this for, most importantly, myself but also for my son who deserves to have his mother around for a long time. My husband also deserves a healthy, happy wife that is confident in her own skin and feels beautiful, inside and out. I want to be able to go shopping for clothes and have endless options because I will no longer be wearing a size 20. I want to try on clothes without breaking a sweat or leaving in tears. 

The method to my madness will be using MyFitnessPal to log my food and planning all of my food for the week the Sunday before. I will also limit my sugar/flour intake and write down all of my meals for the next day the night before. It's all about planning, planning, planning! 

I ask you all for one thing: SUPPORT. Please support me. Please encourage me. I will need it every step of the way. Please let me know if I can do the same for you. 

Here is to a healthy new outlook on life. It's time for me to do me. 

Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger.....

Whew, what a weekend! It feels like the past month has flown by. Our wedding is in just over a month and I can’t believe it has gotten here so fast! The weekend, as far as eating goes, was a failure of epic proportions. I didn’t do well at all. We had a couple friends over for a BBQ on Sunday and I overindulged, and Saturday, which was the same story. I’m not going to dwell on it, or beat myself up about it. Today is a new day, and so far I am doing really well. Something I struggle with, though, is finding foods that make me feel full. I will usually have toast and some fruit for breakfast, but I always end up feeling hungry. Then, I eat unhealthy foods (because there are plenty of those at work), and then I go over my daily calorie allowance.  Any suggestions for healthy, filling breakfasts and snacks?

Speaking of wedding, as I said, it is fast approaching and we are busy wrapping up all of the details now. I am getting more emotional about it as it gets closer. By emotional, I mean I tear up when I watch “Say Yes to the Dress” and “Four Weddings” on none other than TLC. Haha. I am so excited to not only share such a special time with all of our friends and family, but I am so excited to marry my best friend. I tend to use that fact that we are planning a wedding as an excuse to eat less healthy. Sounds dumb, I know, but being busy constantly makes eating quick (unhealthy) food more convenient.

I am a serious snacker, so when I am doing paperwork or scheduling appointments at work, I tend to get bored (my idea of hungry), so I eat. I have tried to get better about this by keeping gum and water with Crystal Light Peach Tea in it at m desk…this helps to an extent, but the thing that helps the most is keeping the food away. This rings true at home as well. My bridal shower, which was beauuuutiful, was at the end of June, and I got two bags of Skittle in one of the gifts. Not the individual serving bags, the BIG bags. I enjoyed those puppies, too much! If it is in the house, and ESPECIALLY if it is snacky/sweet and unhealthy, you better believe I will eat it!

So, my goal for this week is to keep those things out of the house. I need to work on my willpower. This has been a HUGE struggle for me for most of my life. Here’s to another week!

I will work harder, better, faster and stronger!

I Am Self-Made

So are you. We all are. We are in complete control of {most} parts of our lives, specifically,  our diet and exercise.

Here we are, the day after the 4^th of July and I am not feeling overwhelming guilt for having eaten the whole world yesterday, because, guess what?! I didn’t! I did eat Skittles, which I shouldn’t have, but overall I am pretty proud of myself. I didn’t have a beer either, which helps keep the calories down quite a bit. Justin and I went for a fun drive into the mountains (if you haven’t at least driven into Tiny Town before, it’s pretty funny…check out http://www.tinytownrailroad.com/ ). It’s basically a bunch of miniature houses, some replicas of the Stanley Hotel, the Coney Island hot dog stand….things like that. I had a fascination with miniature things when I was younger, so it was fun to see. After our mini road-trip, we relaxed at home for a bit. We walked over to a park near our house and were able to see some fireworks there. No 4^th of July is complete without seeing SOME fireworks!

It is feeling quite like a Monday at work, and I am not a huge fan of it. Although, I do appreciate that tomorrow is already Friday! I am very much looking forward to a fun weekend. Justin and I get Saturday to do whatever we want with, and Sunday is reserved for Momma and I to go dress shopping. This time, for her! I am very excited to spend some quality time with my mother. She is one of the most amazing people on this earth, and I love her dearly.

I got my workout in this morning; I did 15 minutes on the elliptical and 20 minutes on the treadmill. I feel sluggish and super guilty if I don’t work out in the morning, so I rarely miss those workouts. I will say, I am getting SO bored with the elliptical but am not quite sure what I should replace it with. I have plantar fasciitis (tight tendons in my feet), so running isn’t an option at this point because it really hurts. I am not the best about stretching my feet, so this is my fault……another thing I need to work on!  I can do a fast walk on the treadmill with a steep incline or I could do the bike, but I always feel lazy when I am working out sitting down. I will do my strength training (arms and core) tonight when I get home.

Tonight after work, I am going with a friend to get “martini’s and manicures.”  We are supposed to go to a happy hour before that to grab something to eat. I will be getting a salad, no exceptions. I know that if I don’t decide that now, I will find some excuse later as to why I “deserve” something unhealthy. I think it’s interesting that I feel like I am being rewarded when I eat crummy food. I suppose it’s because I love fried food because it tastes so amazing…..who doesn’t love it? I also love potatoes in any form. I don’t discriminate. I love sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, hash browns, French fries, tator tots, baked potatoes, sweet potato fries….anyway I can have them, I will! Needless to say, I need to stay away from French fries forever for a while. I do eat hash browns for breakfast sometimes, usually just on the weekends, but I stay away from the fried stuff.

This is what’s for lunch today…..

Healthy Choice Portabella Spinach Parmesan Pasta
270 Calories

Happy ALMOOOST Friday! 

"Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones....

.....but words will never hurt me." I disagree wholeheartedly with that statement. Words can hurt, quite a bit. So, in posting these pictures, I am having complete faith that you will refrain from any unkind words.  (If ya can't say nothing nice.....) I took these pictures this morning. I wasn't sucking in and wasn't wearing anything flattering, as you can clearly see!!! I am currently wearing a size 14 (sometimes 16 depending on the brand), and typically buy XL shirts (again, depending on the brand). Sometimes, pants can be hard to find, as can shirts, as I carry most of my weight in my midsection. This also causes some people to have complete brain lapses and ask me if I am pregnant, which has happened twice in the past 6 months. Are they stupid? Quite possibly. I learned very early that you never, ever ask a woman when she is due unless you are 150% certain that she has a bun in the oven. That one rides right up there with the F word....it hurts tremendously! Another day, I will tell you about my experience trying on wedding dresses. That definitely deserves its own post!

Right now, my weight is fluctuating between 218 and 220, depending on what I eat/drink the night before. Crazy how that works, isn't it? You mean everything I put into my mouth directly affects my weight? That's a huge bummer. I am using the My Fitness Pal application on my phone, which has been a great tool to keep track of calories and exercise! I am currently eating around 1300 calories a day if I stay on track, and typically do approximately 30 minutes of cardio a day, 5 days a week. I have not been good about strength training. My goal is to bump that up this week as well. I will start with two solid days a week, and move up from there.

I would say my biggest struggles at this point are the weekends. Who knew?  Also, having a few drinks on the weekends significantly increases calorie intake. A direct result of drinking is more eating, and mindless eating at that. Definitely not good! So my goals for the weekend are to be more conscious of what I eat and drink. It becomes a vicious cycle. I eat good/exercise during the week, then let it go on the weekend and I am constantly gaining and losing the same 2-3 pounds. Frustrating? Yes, but it is completely my fault and completely in my control.

Before 7-3-12

Before Profile 7-3-12

 My hope in posting these photos (which I am a bit horrified by) is that they will motivate me, and others, every time we view this blog.

How do I plan on being "good" tomorrow, for the 4th of July? A day filled with BBQ's, beers and not so healthy food? I will not deprive myself, as that typically ends in binging. I will allow myself a bratwurst or hot dog, but will forgo the bun. That saves a good 100-120 calories, and I will have baked chips and some cantaloupe and strawberries. I think the best, most successful way to stay on track is to plan. Plan your meals for the week, plan your meals AND snacks for the day. This leaves little room for error. If you already know you have things mapped out for your day, you will be less likely to veer off track.

Happy 4th of July!

Reinventing the Wheel

So, here goes my first entry. I thought, for a short moment, that creating this blog was a bad idea. Displaying my weaknesses, my struggles for all to see didn't sound very appealing. Then I realized that this may be what it takes to push me to the point that I need to be. I come from a big, loving family. No, not big as in F, but big as in, I have 5 brothers, 3 sisters and two incredible parents. I am currently engaged to my best friend, my anchor and the love of my life. I grew up in Colorado and will never leave. This place is gorgeous!

When I was in elementary and middle school, my friends always told me I was big boned.....but I knew that they really meant the F word. The worst word in the world. I hated hearing it then and I hate hearing it now. Fat. FAT. FAT. FAT. It's a disgusting word, a loaded bullet that tears into you when someone says it. The first time I remember someone implying that I was fat, I was in 4th grade. Luckily, he didn't leave me so wounded that I remember his name, thankfully. He told me that when I walked, there was an earthquake. I'm sure he ripped it off from a "Yo Momma's So Fat" joke, but it didn't matter. It hurt my feelings. I cried, and got over it later that week I am sure. One year, in middle school, we all went to a water park, and I remember being horrified at the idea. I was the girl that brought the t-shirt. It was my armor. I figured that it would protect me somehow. I tried to get out of it (not the t-shirt, the field trip), but I couldn't. Thankfully, I survived with only small scratches.  The name calling continued through school. I let it bother me, being the sensitive soul that I am, but not for too long. I remember trying to lose weight in high school. I would work out, usually on the treadmill, and then go weigh myself immediately after, hoping I would see results that fast. Silly girl.

Things got harder, as they do, when I got older. I was always the one to try the weight loss pills, which never, ever worked. I had a personal trainer, several times, but couldn't always afford it and would fall off the wagon. That wagon is the hardest damn wagon I have ever had to stay on. Finally, in 2008, I worked with a personal trainer twice a week and worked out on my own 4 days a week. I wrote down everything I ate and cut my calories to 1500 per day. I was hungry all the time. It wasn't fun, but the results were amazing. I lost 40 lbs. over 6 months. I went from 238 lbs. to 198 lbs. Getting below the 200 mark was the most amazing feeling in the world. I was so proud! I reached 198 lbs. in November of 2008. I met my love, Justin, in April of 2009...then made the move to Chicago to be with him. I was happy and in love. I severely neglected my efforts to keep my weight below 200 lbs.  In July of 2009, the weight started creeping back on, slowly but surely. My workouts went down to 3 weekly, if I was feeling ambitious, and I started eating more than my daily allowance of calories. I also stopped writing down what I ate, which was detrimental to my success.

From 2009 to the Fall of 2011, I let myself gain all the weight I had worked SO hard to take off. Getting on the scale was miserable. I tried to hide it for a while, but finally dusted it off and took it out again when Justin proposed. We were engaged in October of 2011, which is when my struggle began again to take off the weight I had lost, and gained back again. Only, I wanted to do it bigger, better, stronger and faster than I ever had before. I had a wedding to look fabulous for, the ultimate motivation!!! Well, yea, that's what I thought. Only a month went by, and I had only lost a pound. Another month, a few more pounds. Here we are, two months from my August wedding, and I have only taken 22 pounds off of my 5'9", 240lb. frame. Yikes! Yes, I've got some work to do. I won't discount the fact that I have worked hard to take off those 22 lbs., but c'mon, I can do better than that. I KNOW I can. Although, the big 3-0 is coming up at the end of this month, maybe things are getting harder as I approach my 30's?

My goal, for the next two months, is to make (almost) every meal healthy, with the exception of my birthday and bachelorette party. Nobody should be deprived on either of those days. I want to walk down that aisle and feel as beautiful as Justin thinks I am. I want to go try on clothes and know that I look great in something. No muffin top, no back fat (yes, gross), and no speedbag arms. I want to leave the fitting room with something to buy other than a purse, or an accessory that I KNOW will fit without trying on. I know that all I need to do, is burn more calories then I eat. It's not magic. There is no secret. Just pure willpower and motivation, which I know will come hard many days, but I'm willing to fight tooth and nail for it.

Here we go!